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How To Succeed in Business ... Audition Monologues

Mr. Biggley:

Tell me, what are you heading for around here? What's your ambition in this outfit? Bright fellow like you must have it all planned out. Advertising? Son, I wouldn't want that for an old schoolmate of mine. It's too tough…too insecure. Why, this place has had fifteen new advertising managers in the past year alone. The poor devils disappear at the rate of about one a month. Ideas! That's what I look for. I keep hiring men who are supposed to have brilliant ideas and not one of them will ever do what I tell him. No, son, you stick to what you're doing. You'll do all right there. Damned good department.


You know, J.B., I've always thought of you as a man of breadth and vision…open to new ideas. But now I don't know. I'm thrown. The way you just spoke to Bud about his idea for a treasure hunt. You dismissed it. The fact is, there are treasure hunts and there are treasure hunts. When Bud brought it to me, I thought it was a rotten idea too. But then I remembered something. You know an idea in itself is nothing. It' the development that counts. Leonardo DaVinci drew some sketches for a flying machine, but it took American know-how to develop them into the Boeing 707. A man named Gatling once invented a little machine gun, but it took a mighty brain to take this simple little machine gun and develop it into a great program like “The Untouchables.” When I thought of that, Bud's silly little idea became a challenge to me, and I said, “I'm going to take this idea of Bud Frump's and de-frump it.”


I thought you were going to help me be a big businesswoman like Helena Rubenstein or Betty Crocker. So what happens? I'm stuck in the goddamn stenographic pool with no one to fish me the hell out. I gave up a wonderful job. Head cigarette girl at the Copa. It's no different around here in big business. At least at the Copa, when I got pinched, I got tipped. Around here a girl can't bend down to pick up a pencil with confidence. Look, you did not keep your part of my bargain.


Hello, Ponty. You're first office. It's beautiful. I can only stay a minute. I just wanted to tell you that I had a good time the other night. But – just one thing Ponty…About what happened later. I mean, when we said goodnight. It was our first date and I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me, but…well, I guess it's natural for a fellow to try to get a little fresh with a girl and make a pass at her, but you didn't do anything!

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Last updated: Sat May 11 2013 14:15 EDT