Actors should prepare one of the following monologues from Spamalot
Actors should prepare a song in the style of Monthy Python's Spamalot, no longer than 32 bars. You must come to your audition with sheet music. If preferred, actors can choose to have the music director teach them a brief Spamalot song. Actors will then be expected to sing individually with piano accompaniment.
Hail good sir. I am Arthur king of the Britons lord and ruler of all of England, and Scotland and even tiny little bits of Gaul. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights to join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. (listens) … He is busy?… Good Sir we have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through ... (interrupted) .. What? No I don’t have and appointment… No.. I can’t come back later…Will you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here… No I don’t want to Tweet him you twit… I want to know if he will join my court at Camelot? Never mind. (turning to a person on the ground near him.)You, old woman! Oh sorry.. man, who lives in that castle over … (interrupted) what? Look I did say I was sorry about the 'old woman' thing, but really from behind you do look like ...never mind… look I am your king and I order you … yes King! No.. no one voted for me. As I rode forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake!... No. Not dead. She was ... the Lady of the Lake, She lives in the lake. She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water ... Her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, holding aloft Excalibur (draws sword and holds it aloft) signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your King. It's not just an ordinary sword. How many swords have their own names? …Do you think I could make that up? …. Very well, since you don't believe me, I will prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists. (On his knee) 0 Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Thomas ...what? ... oh very well please reveal to this doubting “Dennis” that you are real.
'Allo! Who is it, what do you want? This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard! The French bastard. Ho… so you want him to help you find the holy grail? Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see? Oh, yes, it's very nice.(Aside) Hey! I told him we already got one. No… you can not see it…you are English bed-wetting types and I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?...Ohhh, You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs' Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets. I don't want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers! ... I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. No there is not one else to speak to, you son of a window-dresser' I wave my private parts at your aunties, you tinybrained wipers of other people's bottoms! I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters. (Blows a raspberry) Thppt! Oh, no. Oh, gee We are so scared. Oh, hey, did I mention before to you ... Thhppt.
But you're not alone Arthur. Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time. Who gave you the sword, who made you King, who welcomed you to Camelot, who helped you off on your quest? Sure, I've been off stage for far too long, but I am here to help you and I always have been, and so has Patsy. You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other. To complete your quest you must put on a broadway show and You've been in a “Broadway -Like” show all the time. Now you have to finish the show. It is a musical, so you have to find the Grail and end with a wedding. Oh but who will you marry…. Well, it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a sword, to make you King, to welcome you to Camelot, to help you off on your quest ... (listening)… What Me?... Oh not I couldn’t….OK!
(enters sword waving, having just killed many of the party guests, he goes down on one knee) Oh fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot, I have come to take you .... away ... and (looks ups and see’s it isn’t a girl) oh ... I'm sorry…I got this note, oh your note… well, yes.. but I hadn’t realized.. I thought you were … well you know. terribly sorry ... (father enters) Oh this is your father, … what.. most of the wedding guest dead.. yes, well I'm very sorry. But I can explain everything ... I didn't really mean to…the thing is ... I thought your son ... was a lady. What? quite understandable? Well that isn’t a very nice thing to say about your own son. I mean it really wasn’t his fault. Please sir leave him alone! This poor little chap is your son, sir. All he ever wanted was a little love and affection, but did you ever give it to him? No, no ... (Becoming emotional) ... I'll wager you denied him. You try to kill him, and worse, far worse, you try to marry him off to some girl, some female that he obviously has no feelings for whatsoever. Yes, yes I know a little bit about bullying fathers you bastard. Have you no heart? Have you no human tenderness? Can't you see that all he's asking for is a little love and understanding? (Almost overcome) Is that too much to ask? Is it? Too Much! To Ask!
The Book of Armaments, Chapter One, Verses Nine through twentyseven. ''And Saint Attila raised the holy hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats. And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. ' Amen. And now the Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101: “Get Your Hand Off My Knee, You Dirty Old Bastard.”
Greetings' King Arthur! Yes I know your name I am an enchanter… there are some who call me…. Tim. You seek the Holy Grail. Only the bravest will find it.. Below me ... lies the cave of Caerbannog, wherein carved upon the very living rock, there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal. But think well before you step into this cave, for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul, so cruel, no man yet has fought this evil beast and lived. So be you warned brave knights, for death awaits you all with nasty great big pointy teeth' (demonstrates nasty pointy teeth). Wait' Too late' There it is! Cringe you mortals at the site of …. No.. no not behind the rabbit… It is the Rabbit!.... Look this is no ordinary rabbit. This is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. He won’t just nibble your bum! This rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer! It'll do you up a treat, mate! Look, I'm warning you! (Watching the rabbit carnage) Not so brave now are you? I warned you. Oh, but, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always tell them but they never, ever, ever listen. (exits)
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Last updated: Mon May 6 17:30 2017 EDT